I'm under a self-proclaimed impression that I am funny. I like hockey, pizza, and penis jokes.


when your team is playing really shit


when people are obnoxious


when your teacher gives you homework over the weekend


when bae doesn’t text back

when the internet won’t connect


(via dropdeadsegsy)


If you think about it, the year 1991-1992 produced some very fine hockey players

(via dropdeadsegsy)


i have limited sympathy for people who get told “no” after a public proposal because public proposals are pretty much emotionally abusive

like seriously

if you think it’s kinda cute, you can discuss it beforehand and then do a staged one later

but putting someone on the spot in front of a crowd of strangers (or worse, friends) and demanding they give you a yes or no answer to a complex question which will affect the rest of their life is

really not okay

(via cumfort)


me liking your selfie could either mean “that’s a nice picture friend” or “i want to bend you over a table” but you’ll never know

(via crystallized-teardrops)



I am trying to see things in perspective.
My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter
chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot
have this, because chocolate makes dogs
very sick. My dog does not understand this.
She pouts and wraps herself around my leg
like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me
to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in,
she eventually gives up and lays in the corner,
under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the
universe has my best interest in mind like I have
my dogs. When I want something with my whole
being, and the universe withholds it from me,
I hope the universe thinks to herself: "Silly girl.
She thinks this is what she wants, but she
does not understand how it will hurt.


THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird (via halluzinogen)

(Source: blythebrooklyn, via beyoncevevo)

I was made in the land of moose and born in the land of the eagle.
I’m feeling very grateful that the most upsetting thing in my life today is my hair. #GoodVibes #ThanksForTheEasyDays #PassOnTheGoodTimes


i bet rhinos cant talk because they would make too many jokes about being horny

(via fake-mermaid)


when a guy’s nose is bigger than his dick


(via patricebergys)

roland mckeown at the la kings development camp


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Must be nice playing hockey every day and making 84 mil while doing it